And I apologize to the residents of Cortland Manor, who hopefully are all at work and were not home to hear the screaming about an hour ago. You see, my beagle has taken to eating all the dried worms off the sidewalk. And she discovered an exceptionally large worm this morning. Which wasn’t dried. And wasn’t dead. And was moving and…
OH MY GOD MY DOG PICKED UP A LIVE SNAKE WITH HER MOUTH. THERE WAS A LIVE SNAKE. IN HER MOUTH.
Luckily, the sight of her mistress going completely batshit was enough to make Jackie drop the snake, which probably slithered away to post on Snakebook, “F%&$in’ beagles, ammirite?” I didn’t stay around to check on its status. I was too busy screaming. And running.
Come to think of it, I was making a hell of a lot of noise. Why didn’t anyone come out to check?
In any case, spring is here and the dog has become a vector for horrifying things that want to enter your house. I pulled 12 ticks off the dog after our walk (beating the old record of eight, and whose bright idea was it to get a dog that travels so low to the ground?) and followed it off with one more off myself and another off the rug for good measure. Funny thing about the stuff you rub on your dog to keep off ticks: it only makes them fall off after they attach themselves. It does nothing to prevent hitchhikers.
Did I mention the dog sleeps in the kids’ rooms? New house rule: no dog upstairs until after a tick check.
None of this, however, holds a candle to yesterday, when the dog pounced on a dead squirrel.
I don’t know what killed the squirrel. All I know is, it has been dead a while. Why do I know this? Because the “leave it!” command does not work when all you have is a dog treat and your dog has a delicious dead thing in its mouth, requiring a game of tug-of-war with the zombie squirrel. Which comes apart. And was covered with maggots. That crawl up your arm, requiring a Silkwood shower before you can even THINK of going on with your life.
Nature. Who needs it?